I love. I love not.

With thoughts that don’t match the expression.
Cocksure one day, confused the next. Ecstatic for a while, livid for another.
I love, I love not.

I went back and forth on this post a few times, opened the images, looked at them, tried to figure out what to write, didn’t and then shut them to get back another day.

When I did the shoot, we had discussed a concept of love hate, of black and white, of contrasting emotions. It’s how I felt during that time. Confused one day, cocksure the next, ecstatic for a while livid for another.

I knew this is the Valentine’s day post but I didn’t want to talk about the usual fall in love and weave magic in the air kind of stuff. That I will keep for maybe next year, this time I wanted to talk about something more important, something like loving yourself, one day at a time.
This one’s going to be a slightly serious post, sorry to burst the pink heart-shaped bubble floating in the air, but I feel like I need to write this.
In the last 2 months or so, I met a lot of people and had a lot of conversations out of which two were about Depression. In fact, someone I know really well, was battling depression during the entire time I knew them and not once could I admonish a finger at it.
I thought to myself, “what, could this be real?” I closely, if not completely know these two people, have known them for over a year now, they seemed happy and perfectly fine, could they really be battling depression? But of course they could, away from the humdrum of daily life, away, tucked into their homes, they could be upset about something.

Here’s the thing about depression, no one talks about it even though many, many people go through it at varying degrees. Deepika Padukone too, has written an article talking about her fight with depression (I’m yet to read it) but everyone thinks, hey this person has everything they could ask for, what could upset them?


Depression is not about having everything or not having anything, it’s something that can be stimulated by even a random subconscious thought or a feeling, a phase in life that can bring you down and you might find it excruciating to even function during that time. Sometimes it could be the cause of many tiny wrongs happening that accumulate into one big blowout.
I’ve had two bouts of trivial depression, one that completely incapacitated me to even feel a moment of joy and another that made me weak, crushed me and got me down only to make me come out stronger and a much happier human being.  Now I realise, that had my confidantes not known the reasons, they too might have thought, hey could this be real? She has everything she could wish for, what could upset her?

Neither of the times did I try to fight it off hard myself, primarily because I didn’t really understand what I was going through but both times, I had no one judging me. While the first one would pass in a matter of time, the second I had help with. Amazing friends and an amazing boyfriend who made sure I snapped out of it and saw more to life than my sorry face in the mirror each morning.To drive the point in deeper, this post is a way of showcasing how one day you might love your life and everyone in it, the next day you might wake up feeling like you shouldn’t even bother trying and that it’s perfectly fine to feel so. It’s also perfectly fine to seek help to get you out of it, from someone who loves you more than you do. There are people going about their lives usually like everything is just prim and proper but they might be undergoing serious therapy or seeking help from a psychiatrist, for their health might be far worse than yours or mine.

I Love outfit: Skirt by Zara, Lace top and Blazer by Forever21, Heels by Donebynone.com, Ankle cuff by Stylefiesta on koovs.com, pearl bracelet by splashfashions.

On my face: Clinique laser repair serum, The Body shop Vitamin E illuminating moisturiser, Maybelline hyper curl mascara, Inglot lip crayon in 12

I love not outfit: Skirt by Forever 21, Top by koovs.com, Blazer by Van Heusen, Heels thrifted, ankle cuff by stylefiesta on koovs.com

On my face: Clinique laser repair serum, The Body shop Vitamin E illuminating moisturiser, Maybelline hyper curl mascara, Colourbar Kajal, Ruby woo by Mac lipstick.


Today, while I’m typing this (far earlier than when you guys will read it) was a depressing day. Why? Absolutely no reason that I know of, or of importance. I just woke up on the wrong side of the spectrum and decided that I needed to stay there. I turned into a gob swallowing, dirty faced monster and ate 2 packets of chocolate chip cookies, 4 mugs of tea, 2 bags of chips, an enormous plate of rice and dal topped with two teaspoons of ghee, a chicken quiche, a bowl of namkeen, spoonfuls of chicken lasagne, a pot of sugared up coffee and the front door to my room, just before washing my face, taking a hot shower and stepping out of the house to meet friends, looking like nothing ever happened. Tomorrow, I will cringe at myself for being a washout before I pick myself off the floor and make my life fabulous again.
It isn’t necessary that someone who is depressed looks the part, stop watching those stereotyped movies. They look normal, happy and full of life even.  They might truly be so as well outside the confines of their homes. Neither is it necessary that one suffers from depression on a daily basis, sometimes it could hit occasionally, once a year maybe or only when something goes wrong in their life.
I do however believe that one can come out of depression by keeping themselves happy. It’s not easy, but it can be done over a period of time. By surrounding yourself with the right kind of people, by doing things you love doing, by consciously stepping out of that lonely spiral of thoughts that visit you when you’re alone and by talking to people who understand you with all your flaws and fantasies.
Let this Valentine’s day be a start, to you loving yourself and those around you, let it be a start to happy conversations outside the home or alone with yourself.
Photos by Anjan Kumar
Love thyself
Take A Bow 
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