“Should I spend this day in a worthwhile manner or just be a useless piece of shit just like the whole of last week?”
For someone who is unemployed and has finished whatever work, chores, hand me downs that were to be completed, this question often arises, usually anywhere between 10:00 am to 12:30 pm, make that 2:30 pm if last night was spent being a useless piece of shit on a friend’s couch.
“Oh you’re so lucky you have nothing to do.”
“Oh enjoy this phase for you may never have it again.”
“Oh will you please finish these three tasks that I originally was supposed to do but don’t have the time for?” Hell no I won’t. I’m busy; I have lots of usual piecery of shitery to do.
Indians always start their phrases with oh, or arey, or abbey. It makes you either pity yourself or pity them and do those three tasks that they were originally supposed to do.
I’m the kind of person whose laptop has seen more places than the average Indian and even maatha tekofied at a shrine in Gulmarg. It has seen the entire highway from Bangalore to Mumbai, has attended my friend’s wedding open faced and even brought back white Goan sand in its CTRL keys and an enviable tan. Hence, for someone like me, not having anything to do for a month can get quite creatively inducing. You thought I’d say frustrating, well so did I.
“I will have to invent work for myself”, thought I, twiddling my thumbs.
Hence, I took it upon myself to count all the switches in the house, put little F and L sticker labels on them which my mum scraped off the moment she saw them. “Toby (our dog) wants some mood lighting now does he?”
I then decided that I must paint my book trunk from black to white and eventually from white to gold. Burning in the blazing sun with my litre of paint on the terrace, I would tell granny even if she didn’t ask, “I’m very busy, have lots to do”. Being clumsy and being armed with a paint brush, by the end of my ‘work’ I had one white calf and one in its original colour. I also had a fawn coloured pug with a golden tail. We let the tail be, Toby seemed to like his new look.
That failing miserably, I proceeded to make random home-made facial recipes, then poured them from a bowl into little vials for which I first needed to clean out whatever was already in the vials.
“You threw out the ganga jal, that was not stale gulabari, it has a sticker label that says ganga jal”, exclaimed mother, in horror. “So whose sins aren’t getting washed away this year?”
Now realising that my help wasn’t appreciated at home, I moved onto more self-fulfilling tasks. “Let’s make honey lemon chicken, thought I.” With my phone doling out instructions from on top of the microwave, I pulled out some chicken from the fridge and started putting in a bit of this and a bit of that. I whipped up a dish that looked edible, tasted pretty good for a first timer too. Then I made a watermelon juice to chase down the meal. The blender’s cap went flying off (apparently you’re supposed to hold it in place) and I got watermelon pulp on my kitchen roof. Frantically washing it away before my mum came home, I took whatever was left of the juice and the chicken and kept it on the table. All cleaned up and feeling quite proud of single-handedly overcoming my misadventure, I gave some of my “signature” dish to dad. He quite liked it too.
Mum got home after a while, went to the kitchen and then straight to my room where I had gone back to being a usual piece of shit in front of the TV and gave me a stern look. Her nose flares up like a gorilla’s when she’s angry and I quickly retorted, “but I cleaned up the juice, I even climbed the kitchen mantle and washed away all of it, I swear”, to which my mum replies, “to hell with the juice, you ate all of Toby’s chicken, what do I feed him now? Watermelon juice?”
I’m glad to be back at work where the morning conversation with myself has gone back to making to-do lists, putting up reminders on my calendar and dealing with the mayhem, wondering when I’ll get my next break but I can bet my mum and Toby are happier than me right now.
Photos by Jvack Toto
Blazer by Splash Fashions
Men’s Shirt by Locomotive Clothing available on Myntra
Heels by Charles N Keith
Blazer by Van Heusen Woman
Shirt by Zara
Men’s shoes by Koovsman
Sounak’s Outfit: Shirt by House Of Three (which is Sounak’s label)
Custom made Blazer by Tailorman
Denims by Zara Man
Custom Made oxford Brogues by Bespoke
Pocket Square by Louis Philippe
Sunglasses by Zara Man
Take A Bow