It takes a lot of courage to own up to one’s own flaws and while I put in this post, knowing it’s the last of a set very close to my heart, I want to own up, publicly rather than just in private conversations with myself, to being quite an asshole when I was younger, but not young enough to screw up.
When I say this, I mean with respect to my relationships. I grew up thinking relationships were just timed and eventually the time goes up and without burden or reason, that’s when you should walk out. It didn’t matter how many teddy bears I was gifted or the nature of proclamations of love I received, some which I feel should’ve been illegal at that age.
I said and did as I felt which is great, for me, only. And I feel that all the crap I got away with pulling off a few years back, is the price I’m paying now, like of the credit card you never meant to swipe.
It doesn’t help in the least, to know that I had no reason to do the dick moves and make a quarterly dance routine out of it.
Someone I was with earlier, loved me to the moon and back. We dated for a long time before I realized I had to leave and I did just that. Today, I know how it must have felt. When your entire world gets sucked away from underneath you. When you’re tossed off the boat into the lonely depths of water, which used to be comfort zone but now just sucks you in like you’re the loch-mess monster.
Which is why I feel karma schooled me into being more compassionate and I started investing in my personal growth a lot more, by way of my morals and judgement of right and wrong.
To attempt to better myself each day is the only thing I’ve ever done, that makes me truly proud of myself. That and my ability to jump into the ocean at will.
I’m nicer than I was a month, a week or even a day ago. And I’m hoping that whether or not I’ve paid my dues, I’ll strive to be better till I feel like I did it all, factoring in one ocean at a time.
These thoughts are linked to this post for one reason, that being underwater gives me huge clarity. It’s where I prefer to meditate and reason with myself.
They are also linked to this post, because having those feet taken away from me, wasn’t a price I was willing to pay.
Photos by Anuj Ramchandran
Edited by Raji Pandian
Wearing : Swimwear by thelabellife.com
Take A Bow